I remember sitting down at that test, answering the first five questions and immediately saying some not nice things under my breath. I KNEW before I actually found out that there was no way I was going to pass that thing; I wasn't prepared, I focused way too much on content and not enough of prioritization. My confidence after those first five questions went down the drain and continued to plummet in the few months leading up the next test.
When I got the news that I failed (which came with $250 price tag to retest - DOUBLE WHAMMY), I was crushed. I knew the test didn't define me and I knew I was going to get back up and take it again, but it sucked. I cried every night for several weeks, questioned my ability to be a nurse, and wondered what the last several years of school were even for.
BUT GOD...
I can't describe the transformation that has come over the last few months; when I sat for the exam the first time, I prayed to pass, when I sat for the exam the second time, I prayed that God would reveal His plan for my life no matter what the outcome was. Have you ever wondered the extent to which you trust God? Give Him the thing you cling to most and see how much you trust His sovereignty; give Him your children, your spouse, your career, & your finances without trying to control the outcome.
That kind of trust is something I've never experienced. I've been a Christian my entire adult life, but I've also been an anxious person most of my life; "what if" has been a life motto of mine and it's controlled my life for much longer than I'd like to admit. I also went through a YOLO period time, which I think anyone who knew me then would agree was not any better.
It seems ridiculous, but giving up that need to control the future, that need to KNOW the future, & trusting the greater plan is easily the most freeing experience of my life. Failing the NCLEX could've crippled me; by worldly standards, it should've brought me to a really LOW low. But it didn't.
And that had nothing to do with me.
What I'm not saying: being upset, frustrated, or disappointed aren't normal feelings. THEY ARE. Truth: if I had failed a second time, this post would not have come as quickly and my acceptance of God's will would have taken a little longer. Also true: what's meant to be will.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29: 11-13
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