Inadequacies v. Truth

I set my alarm to go off during the week at 6am; it went off this morning and I hit snooze a million times until an entire hour had passed of me putting off the day.

I wasn't just tired this morning, but had no desire to really be a part of society; I could've stayed in bed all day if that was an option.  Soon after I'd hit snooze for the 10th time, Emmy started crying, so my daydreams about sleeping all day pretty quickly vanished and I had to go get her and start the day.

I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready to change two diapers, make breakfast, let Bella out and back in again (100 times before I realized she was just waiting for her treat), brush my teeth, or get dressed.  I wasn't ready to rush out the door, barely making it to the bus stop ... AGAIN...and go to the store before the rain came.  I just wasn't ready for life.

The last couple of weeks have had me in a big slump.  It's hard for me to explain it, but I've thought a lot about my inadequacies and what they mean.  I have days where my kids do nothing but sleep and watch TV because I just don't feel like entertaining them. I have days where I STILL can't believe I failed the NCLEX and I question my ability to be a nurse.  I have days where I eat like crap and put off working out until the last minute where I go through the motions, not pushing myself to really work up a sweat, just to say I did it.  I think about my marriage and question whether I'm able to really fulfill my husband's needs and whether or not he's able to fulfill mine.  I have nights where I have to drink a glass of wine to turn my brain off and fall asleep; when that doesn't work I pray and plead until I'm so exhausted, my body just crashes and eventually falls asleep.

And I cry.  I cry a lot because I do a lot of 'fake it 'til you make it' throughout the day, not because I'm scared people will know things aren't perfect, but because I believe STRONGLY that my children shouldn't have to experience 'adult problems' and, while I know I can't protect them forever, I CAN protect them now.  It's my job to protect them now.

And just when I feel really alone in this, I remind myself there are probably a million other people who do the same thing; a million other people out there feeling alone and inadequate and unable to handle life.  We have to remember that the enemy is a LIAR.  He wants us to believe that we can't do the things we've been called to do and he wants us to believe that we're alone and undeserving of love.

Today, if you're going through a season of unknown and struggling to have faith that this time will serve as an incredible testimony to God's faithfulness in your life, I am praying for you.  I don't know the needs of all my friends, but God does.  I don't know who needs to hear this message today (besides me), but God does.

You have purpose and you are loved.


¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:16-19